The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of Them Now

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Jay’s advice: Before moving in together, get clear on your commitment levels, and stress test the relationship in other ways (such as travel) to make sure it’s what you want. Being in Life Her mindset is a little restrictive and outdated, it was written almost 10 years ago so makes sense. But it is brutally realistic, and I guess sometimes that is also a hard pill to swallow.

Drawing from more than twenty years of work with thousands of twentysomething clients and students, Jay weaves science together with compelling, behind-closed-doors stories. The result is a provocative, poignant read that shows why, far from being an irrelevant downtime, your twenties are a developmental sweetspot that comes only once. Your twenties are a time when the things you do -- and the things you don't do -- will have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come. The author has a lot of valuable experience and testimonies; however, not everyone has the same privilege and opportunities. It’s a privilege to go to college. It’s a privilege to go to the therapy. The author references networking and taking advantage of social capital, but this automatically puts a divide between people who have capital and those who do not. We live in a world full of injustice and inequality, and there are undoubtedly people in their 20’s who don’t have the “right connections” and would be viewed as wasting their 20’s or achieving success. Revised and reissued for a new generation, The Defining Decade has changed the way millions of twentysomethings think about their twenties — and themselves. Of course it is normal to be afraid of normalcy! (Wait a minute. See, everyone wants to be at least a little bit normal....) I have never met anyone who thinks an entire decade of their lives is for "practice," although apparently all of Dr. Jay's clients do.A straightforward look at the history and the art of maintaining courteous communication in an increasingly divided world. HOW IS THIS REAL LIFE. I DON'T REMEMBER GETTING INTO GRAD SCHOOL BEING A WALK IN THE PARK. OR THAT EVERYONE IS EASILY OFFERED AN AMAZING JOB BY WORKING HARD.

I say it doesn’t always give practical answers because it’s not a formula book. It doesn’t say to do x, y, or z to reach your goal. But Meg does hand-deliver advice that we can ponder and come up with solutions for in our own lives. My first issue with this book is that Jay is convinced that life ends at 30. She makes some arguments for this- if you don't plan out your twenties, you won't be able to achieve certain goals later in life. This is particularly true for pregnancy. That said, this isn't what twenty year olds necessarily should be told. I firmly want to believe that 47 year olds can also change the direction of their lives, even if it's harder. Our options end once we believe they're gone. The pressure this mindset places on twenty year olds is so unfair. At twenty men think that life will be over at thirty. I, at the age of fifty-eight, can no longer take that view. Improving your relationships as a 20-something is a great way to start setting up the right habits for the rest of your life. I love this part of the book that says, “Ian was right. That is how it’s done. This is how it starts. Claiming a career or getting a good job isn’t the end; it’s the beginning. And, then, there is still a lot more to know and a lot more to do.”Never building up this capital and never getting good jobs leads to depression, sitting around at home, drinking, the opiod epidemic… If you run to someone else to make you feel better when something bad happens, you further weaken your own ability to make yourself feel better. I can understand why Jay chose these particular clients, because they are inspirational and help readers who are unsure where to start. But I found myself giggling and yawning every time I read: "I wish I could go to grad school but I've taken too much time off!" said the forlorn twenty five year old waiting tables instead of having a real job. But little did she know that within a year she'd be halfway through her program at Brown. Ian pretended that not knowing what to do was the hard part when, somewhere inside, I think he knew that making a choice about something is when the real uncertainty begins. The more terrifying uncertainty is wanting something and not knowing how to get it. It is working toward something even though there is no sure thing. When we make choices, we open ourselves up to hard work and failure and heartbreak, so sometimes it feels easier not to know, not to choose, and not to do.”